Benign Neglect

I realized today that I've spent an awful lot of time blaming other people for the shit that is wrong in my life. I've blamed my parents for not encouraging my creativity when I was younger, and I've also blamed them for my laziness and complacency. They never forced me to do anything, and now I don't force myself to do anything.

I also blamed them for my nerdy ways in junior high and high school. You're already at a place in your life where you're awkward and weird. Rarely being allowed to go out and do social things (go to dances and sleepovers on the weekends, etc) does not really allow for the development of proper adolescent relationships.

I blamed teachers for not pushing me hard enough. I blamed coaches for not playing me often enough. Well, except in softball. I kick ass at softball and I got to play all the time. I blamed music instructors for not pushing me.

All of this really has been my fault. When things get to hard, I just quit. When things are inconvenient, I just don't do them. I make up excuses when really I'm just being selfish and lazy.

This sort of attitude is wreaking havoc on my relationships with my friends and family. I have alienated them - to a point - by always bailing on events like birthday parties. They've stopped inviting me because they know I'll end up not showing up. And I don't know how to change this behavior. Because they've never called me out on it. I'm calling myself out on it right now, though.

I am making it my resolution (not a New Year's, just a resolution in general) to spend more time with my friends and family. When my twin niece & nephew turn 1 next month, I will be at their party. When my presence is requested, I will show up as long as I truly do not have a conflict. I have to stop neglecting my friends and family. If I continue to do this, I will not have any friends and family of which to speak, because they're all going to give up on me.

Maybe it's not benign neglect. Maybe it's malignant, and that's why it's ruining my relationships.

"What doesn't bend, breaks." --Ani DiFranco

Cold.

I'm extremely tired of being so fucking cold all the time. It's only mid-January, so I know I need to just shut the fuck up, but it is really cold here. It's been in the teens all week, we've got icky snow all over the place, and it's just gross out. And I feel gross, because I haven't seen the sunshine in days.

I feel like I'm complaining a lot more than I used to, and that's just not right. I just feel so blah, and while I know that complaining doesn't make things better, it makes me feel a little better.

Also, I hate my job. I feel like I'm constantly under scrutiny, I feel like my manager doesn't trust me, and I'm always assuming the worst. I see my supervisor and my manager in the manager's office with the door closed? I immediately assume I'm getting fired. I am so easily irritated, I'm making stupid ass little mistakes that I would normally never make, and I'm just a mess.

What does one do in this situation? When you just feel sad and depressed all the time, and everyone makes you mad, and you don't look forward to anything? Am I to the point where I should start to look for a mental health professional? Or am I just down in the dumps? Do I need a vacation?

What to do, what to do.

Already behind schedule

So, I'm already over a week behind schedule on this whole "write a new blog post every day in 2011" thing. Instead of writing something profound and meaningful here, I'm just going to recap the first 9 days of the year...it's sure to be mind boggling.

Jan 1, 2011: Went out for breakfast, then to the grocery store. Purchased turnip & mustard greens, black eyed peas, kielbasa, and cornbread. Ate all of those things for dinner, for good luck. The black eyed peas are for luck with coin money; the greens for paper money. Cornbread is for health, and pork (kielbasa this time) is for prosperity.

Jan 2, 2011: Watched football.

Jan 3, 2011: Back to work after the holiday weekend. Ridiculously busy. Nothing to report.

Jan 4-7th, 2011: Work, work, work.

Jan 8, 2011: Petco and the grocery store. Husband got mad at Petco because some pet portrait place set up their table in such a way that we couldn't get over to the room where the adoptable cats are kept. His whole trip to Petco is ruined if he doesn't get to see the cats.

I made my first curry yesterday, in the crock pot, it was DELICIOUS. As soon as I figure out how to post pictures on here....

Jan 9, 2011...that's today. So far, I've had to go out in the 14 degree weather for Liquid Plumbr because my kitchen sink was backed up. AGAIN. This whole "living on the ground floor" thing has some drawbacks. Like, if the people above me have a tendency to run shit through their garbage disposals that doesn't go down, it clogs down here at the bottom of the building, and I get the flooded kitchen.

I'm watching football and eating leftover curry. We're having breakfast for dinner tonight: pancakes. Had I known Jimmy had that idea in his head, I'd have gotten some bacon or sausage at the store while I was buying the drain cleaner.

Oh, and I had pumpkin pie for breakfast.